Thursday, April 24, 2008

The Story Of EEEEWWW!

I have had several hissy's over contractors, repair people & the like, but my latest experience tops them all.
It all started out quite innocently, I needed to have old faucets replaced.
I did the usual dance, called, made an appt. & waited a mere 2 hours past
the promised time. The plumber finally arrived w/out apology & then argued
w/ me abt what I had hired him for. No, he is not here to replace & install new faucets, he is here to 'LOOK' at the faucets.
When I try to correct him, he starts flailing his arms around, muttering obscenities under his breath. Like the saying goes,
'I'm a mom & you can't scare me', I envision kicking his butt all the way upstairs & handcuffing his ankle so he can't leave until
the job is done. Seeing the old faucets, he informs me there is no way in hell they can be removed short of a blowtorch. He starts muttering again, I start seething & my dog who took an instant dislike, is barking nonstop while trying to lift his leg. Hearing, 'I need a tool', he goes to his truck & returns 20 minutes later. I mentally deduct those minutes from his hourly rate. A 1/2 hour passes & I check his progress. Aha, he was able to remove one of the faucets but is now starring at the new one.
*&#@, there's no @#*# way I can figure out how to get the new %#** one on. I politely suggest that reading the directions
might be helpful. 20 min pass, he clomps into my kitchen flailing his arms again, dog starts barking & I can't hear a word. He yells, 'outside', so off we go. "Lady, I've spent the last 20 minutes vomiting, I'm sick, I'm going home." Instead of leaving
immediately, he stays another 5 minutes telling me how he was spewing his guts out, upchucking, retching, blowin gravy,
hurling, barfing w/ 'I think I got most of it up Lady', every other sentence. My mind freezes on those 9 words, while inching
towards my door. I manage to say, 'feel better', slamming the door in his face. OMG!!!! I am totally grossed out wondering
where I can get a hazmat suit, 10 gallon bleach sprayer & 20 foot long tongs. I'm pacing back & forth using as many
adjectives for gross as he did for vomit. Corner of my eye, I see that he left his tools on my porch. I start prancing w/ eeeww as my new mantra. Seconds later, 'eeewww' turns to 'oh shit'. He's still here, puking off my porch into the mulch. I'm back to 'eewww', knowing I have to add a 20 ft shovel to my list because if my dog gets out..... 'EEEEEWWWWWW'

Friday, April 4, 2008

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

My son, Miles, does crew. I think it's the only sport that you use the word, 'does', before the sport. My other son, Evan, plays soccer & he has friends who play football, basketball, tennis, baseball, rugby, golf, lacrosse....Of course, there is the 'is' category-is a skater, bowler, hunter, gymnast, etc. In addition to this 'does' bizness, crew has all these funky terms. It's not a boat but a shell or scull, but the scull can also be an oar. Where you sit even has it's own name. Miles is usually in the 'stroke' seat, but has also been a coxswain. If it were me, I'd just say, 'everyone in the boat, just sit where you're the most comfortable & don't worry, I won't call you anything that sounds remotely X rated'. Once Miles told me that the coach said he was a 'lightweight'. I got all indignant, & told him that he wasn't any lightweight, & the coach was an ass for calling him that. Turned out lightweight was another one of those funky crew terms. Who knew? Anyway, Miles is the one in the pic who is right up front (or is that back?) in the red cap. What other color would it be?

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Martha & Me

I admit it, I love Martha. Doesn't bother me a tad that she went to prison. Feminists everywhere should have applauded her. White collar crime is just brimming with men. It's about time women stepped up to the plate & told those boys to move on over coz their playground is going coed. With that said, it's time to talk about Martha & Me. It's amazing how our taste's are soooo alike. We love Martha colors & Martha sheets & towels & duvet covers & pillows & place settings & those awesome utensils. We both love her houses & cottages & gardens & gazebos & living by the water. Jeez, we even have kept the same hair style for decades.....umm, mine is just a wadded up mess w/ a pencil or 2 sticking out, but hey! I loved Martha even before I knew there was a Martha to love. Just look at that cute as a button pic of me from ages ago. I'm wearing a paper cupcake as a hat and boy howdy, that is sooo Martha!!!

Monday, March 31, 2008

Found #2

It's amazing what one can find when you kick a pile of art stuff.
Yup, still got those piles, but in another room, so they don't count. This one was wired for in broken glass...oops.
The purse looked much more 'dramatic' (ohh, I like that word) when it was entombed (another good choice, don't ya think?) in a shadow box. Without the box, the purse looked really stupid-so I stupidly pulled all the goodies off & all I have left is a stupid
purse w/ globs of dried glue that some stupid person thought would peel right off. Now 'Found #2', is back where it was in the first place-under a pile of art stuff and butt naked to boot!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Found One

I actually found something I made. Realized that all the swaps
I've been in, I have never saved any of my work-just mailed the
originals on their merry way. Didn't even take pics. Well,
there are the 2 pics of the tote I made for Lelainia Lloyd's tote
swap. I think the only reason I have them, is that Lelainia made me do it. Actually, she makes me do a lot of things. :o)

Saturday, March 22, 2008

The Countdown from March 30th

There are only 7 shopping days to my birthday, so I better get
busy. I've only bought myself a few things, but I have done an
awesome job so far! I love Japanese craft books. The clothing
designs have a very clean look & the fabrics are awesome. The
toy designs are so whimsical & cute as a button. I'm a below
novice sewer. Being a visual learner, I can't follow written
instructions. Even something simple as a cake mix, I have
to read the 3 steps over & over. I approach Japanese craft
books the same way men do w/ Playboy-I only look at the
pictures. And the articles, like Playboy, are in Japanese. :o)

OMG! Aren't these the cutest!!!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Birthday Pressies

I get the best birthday presents ever!!! I know this to be true
coz I now buy them myself. LOL My DH, bless his heart, is
clueless in the gift shopping department. He never seemed
to 'hear' those not so subtle hints of things I lusted after.....
'Ohhh! I just love this, surprise me & get it for my birthday'.
My 40th birthday is a dandy example. Now '40' is a biggie
& I just knew DH would finally knock my socks off that year.
And boy howdy, did he ever!!! I received 4 gifts-one for
each decade. How clever, I thought. The 1st 2 were items
he picked up at the grocery store w/ the Kroger tags still on,
candy of some sort. The next one was in a large box w/ a big
assed ribbon on top. I did the ole shake and sniff test &
tore that puppy open. I was totally speechless......I was now
the proud owner of an asparagus steamer. I like asparagus,
we have it at least 1/2 dozen times a year. The last gift was
in a box that was the perfect shape for either a necklace or
bracelet or..........a meat thermometer. Now this meat
thermometer looked remarkably identical to the one DH
broke just the week before. I was a tad disappointed &
somehow found myself locked in my bedroom muttering
between sobs, 'an asparagus steamer & a meat
thermometer, he gave me a *%#@* meat thermometer
(are you allowed to swear on blogs?) for my 40th birthday'!!!
Wanting to reassure myself that my tears were justified &
I was not over reacting, I spent the next year or so
(make that 14 & still counting) asking every woman I met
in grocery stores, public bathrooms, check out lines,
wedding receptions, what they thought. 9 out of 10
women claimed they would have checked the accuracy of
that ole thermometer on their DH's, & they weren't
talking orally either. Jeez, I hope this isn't considered
X rated material.