me & my red shoes

The Story Of EEEEWWW!

2008-04-24T22:48:00.004-04:00

I have had several hissy's over contractors, repair people & the like, but my latest experience tops them all.
It all started out quite innocently, I needed to have old faucets replaced.
I did the usual dance, called, made an appt. & waited a mere 2 hours past
the promised time. The plumber finally arrived w/out apology & then argued
w/ me abt what I had hired him for. No, he is not here to replace & install new faucets, he is here to 'LOOK' at the faucets.
When I try to correct him, he starts flailing his arms around, muttering obscenities under his breath. Like the saying goes,
'I'm a mom & you can't scare me', I envision kicking his butt all the way upstairs & handcuffing his ankle so he can't leave until
the job is done. Seeing the old faucets, he informs me there is no way in hell they can be removed short of a blowtorch. He starts muttering again, I start seething & my dog who took an instant dislike, is barking nonstop while trying to lift his leg. Hearing, 'I need a tool', he goes to his truck & returns 20 minutes later. I mentally deduct those minutes from his hourly rate. A 1/2 hour passes & I check his progress. Aha, he was able to remove one of the faucets but is now starring at the new one.
*&#@, there's no @#*# way I can figure out how to get the new %#** one on. I politely suggest that reading the directions
might be helpful. 20 min pass, he clomps into my kitchen flailing his arms again, dog starts barking & I can't hear a word. He yells, 'outside', so off we go. "Lady, I've spent the last 20 minutes vomiting, I'm sick, I'm going home." Instead of leaving
immediately, he stays another 5 minutes telling me how he was spewing his guts out, upchucking, retching, blowin gravy,
hurling, barfing w/ 'I think I got most of it up Lady', every other sentence. My mind freezes on those 9 words, while inching
towards my door. I manage to say, 'feel better', slamming the door in his face. OMG!!!! I am totally grossed out wondering
where I can get a hazmat suit, 10 gallon bleach sprayer & 20 foot long tongs. I'm pacing back & forth using as many
adjectives for gross as he did for vomit. Corner of my eye, I see that he left his tools on my porch. I start prancing w/ eeeww as my new mantra. Seconds later, 'eeewww' turns to 'oh shit'. He's still here, puking off my porch into the mulch. I'm back to 'eewww', knowing I have to add a 20 ft shovel to my list because if my dog gets out..... 'EEEEEWWWWWW'

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

2008-04-04T16:08:00.004-04:00

My son, Miles, does crew. I think it's the only sport that you use the word, 'does', before the sport. My other son, Evan, plays soccer & he has friends who play football, basketball, tennis, baseball, rugby, golf, lacrosse....Of course, there is the 'is' category-is a skater, bowler, hunter, gymnast, etc. In addition to this 'does' bizness, crew has all these funky terms. It's not a boat but a shell or scull, but the scull can also be an oar. Where you sit even has it's own name. Miles is usually in the 'stroke' seat, but has also been a coxswain. If it were me, I'd just say, 'everyone in the boat, just sit where you're the most comfortable & don't worry, I won't call you anything that sounds remotely X rated'. Once Miles told me that the coach said he was a 'lightweight'. I got all indignant, & told him that he wasn't any lightweight, & the coach was an ass for calling him that. Turned out lightweight was another one of those funky crew terms. Who knew? Anyway, Miles is the one in the pic who is right up front (or is that back?) in the red cap. What other color would it be?

Martha & Me

2008-04-01T17:19:00.002-04:00

I admit it, I love Martha. Doesn't bother me a tad that she went to prison. Feminists everywhere should have applauded her. White collar crime is just brimming with men. It's about time women stepped up to the plate & told those boys to move on over coz their playground is going coed. With that said, it's time to talk about Martha & Me. It's amazing how our taste's are soooo alike. We love Martha colors & Martha sheets & towels & duvet covers & pillows & place settings & those awesome utensils. We both love her houses & cottages & gardens & gazebos & living by the water. Jeez, we even have kept the same hair style for decades.....umm, mine is just a wadded up mess w/ a pencil or 2 sticking out, but hey! I loved Martha even before I knew there was a Martha to love. Just look at that cute as a button pic of me from ages ago. I'm wearing a paper cupcake as a hat and boy howdy, that is sooo Martha!!!

Found #2

2008-03-31T20:22:00.002-04:00

It's amazing what one can find when you kick a pile of art stuff.
Yup, still got those piles, but in another room, so they don't count. This one was wired for sound....as in broken glass...oops.
The purse looked much more 'dramatic' (ohh, I like that word) when it was entombed (another good choice, don't ya think?) in a shadow box. Without the box, the purse looked really stupid-so I stupidly pulled all the goodies off & all I have left is a stupid
purse w/ globs of dried glue that some stupid person thought would peel right off. Now 'Found #2', is back where it was in the first place-under a pile of art stuff and butt naked to boot!

Found One

2008-03-24T14:52:00.021-04:00

I actually found something I made. Realized that all the swaps
I've been in, I have never saved any of my work-just mailed the
originals on their merry way. Didn't even take pics. Well,
there are the 2 pics of the tote I made for Lelainia Lloyd's tote
swap. I think the only reason I have them, is that Lelainia made me do it. Actually, she makes me do a lot of things. :o)

The Countdown from March 30th

2008-03-22T15:27:00.007-04:00

There are only 7 shopping days to my birthday, so I better get
busy. I've only bought myself a few things, but I have done an
awesome job so far! I love Japanese craft books. The clothing
designs have a very clean look & the fabrics are awesome. The
toy designs are so whimsical & cute as a button. I'm a below
novice sewer. Being a visual learner, I can't follow written
instructions. Even something simple as a cake mix, I have
to read the 3 steps over & over. I approach Japanese craft
books the same way men do w/ Playboy-I only look at the
pictures. And the articles, like Playboy, are in Japanese. :o)

OMG! Aren't these the cutest!!!

Birthday Pressies

2008-03-21T20:06:00.008-04:00

I get the best birthday presents ever!!! I know this to be true
coz I now buy them myself. LOL My DH, bless his heart, is
clueless in the gift shopping department. He never seemed
to 'hear' those not so subtle hints of things I lusted after.....
'Ohhh! I just love this, surprise me & get it for my birthday'.
My 40th birthday is a dandy example. Now '40' is a biggie
& I just knew DH would finally knock my socks off that year.
And boy howdy, did he ever!!! I received 4 gifts-one for
each decade. How clever, I thought. The 1st 2 were items
he picked up at the grocery store w/ the Kroger tags still on,
candy of some sort. The next one was in a large box w/ a big
assed ribbon on top. I did the ole shake and sniff test &
tore that puppy open. I was totally speechless......I was now
the proud owner of an asparagus steamer. I like asparagus,
we have it at least 1/2 dozen times a year. The last gift was
in a box that was the perfect shape for either a necklace or
bracelet or..........a meat thermometer. Now this meat
thermometer looked remarkably identical to the one DH
broke just the week before. I was a tad disappointed &
somehow found myself locked in my bedroom muttering
between sobs, 'an asparagus steamer & a meat
thermometer, he gave me a *%#@* meat thermometer
(are you allowed to swear on blogs?) for my 40th birthday'!!!
Wanting to reassure myself that my tears were justified &
I was not over reacting, I spent the next year or so
(make that 14 & still counting) asking every woman I met
in grocery stores, public bathrooms, check out lines,
wedding receptions, what they thought. 9 out of 10
women claimed they would have checked the accuracy of
that ole thermometer on their DH's, & they weren't
talking orally either. Jeez, I hope this isn't considered
X rated material.

You Too Can Celebate Xmas On The First Day Of Spring

2008-03-20T18:40:00.003-04:00

Ya, I know, it's almost April & I'm just getting around to
showing some of the pressies from the 12 Days Of Xmas
exchange. Well, it's snowing outside, the fireplace is
blazing & I'm inches from slipping in a Nat King Cole
CD. You ever feel like Xmas day should be a dress
rehearsal and once you have had time to relax from
all the franticness (yes, that is a real, legitimate word),
you can say, 'hey how about celebrating Xmas next
Thursday? The Xmas tree is not too dead and it's a
3 day weekend.......' So what if it's Jan 28th or
Groundhog Day or the first day of Spring-bring
on the pressies & grap a cup of good cheer!
Hmmm.....what are the ingredients for that particular drink anyway?
Here are a few 8x10 glossies I promised you:
Trudy McLaughlin
Fiona Mortimore

Kristen Robinson

Crystal Neuauer

Not For The Faint Of Heart

2008-03-18T22:12:00.007-04:00

As you may recall, when I first mentioned 'my studio', I used words like, ransacked, burglars, hell....Well this is the area where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. Trust me on this one.

BEFORE: Hmm, is that a finger I see????

Now, hold onto your knickers, get ready to applaud, close your eyes, now open your eyes, form your mouth into a big 'O', call your neighbors & tell them to bring the champagne, wait for the drum roll...................................................DRUM ROLL.........

AFTER: Hmm, is that carpet?

Show And Tell

2008-03-17T20:29:00.030-04:00

HAPPY ST. PADDY'S DAY!

Oh, this is so much fun! I always loved the 'Before & After' photos in magazines. Though once in a while, the 'Before' photo was less scary than the 'After'. But not this time!!!

BEFORE: Believe it or not, this was THE neat & tidy area! Now that's scary.

AFTER: Ohh! Aww!

Studio Blues

2008-03-16T18:29:00.001-04:00

Over the last couple of years, the area I call 'my studio' looks like it has been ransacked by burglars, tossed by the police, a recycling center, where Jimmy Hoffa is buried & what hell must look like to the organized. I have made several attempts to get it all neat & tidy but I couldn't figure a way to get a snowplow upstairs. The sensible thing would be to throw everything away, but I just knew that in layer 9 or 17 or 61, there was bound to be a 1/4" tag with the word 'fairy' printed on it in the most lovely font and boy would I be pissed if I needed that tag in the next decade or so AND I had thrown it out. I finally came up with the perfect solution-take all the stuff out of the room, organize it bag by bag, put it in storage containers AND (this is what I am most proud of) label them. So the 1st thing I did was buy myself a dozen or so 'Organize Your Studio/Craft Room' books. Big Mistake! Forget about how neat & tidy everything was-I wanted the converted barn with floor to ceiling windows facing the meadow, ocean, mountains, streams, english gardens, white sandy beaches, rambling stone fences.... Don't get me started with the interiors.... the fireplaces, skylights. Who said that envy was green? Everywhere I looked, I saw rainbows. I forced myself to be mature about it and knew I could get some great ideas how 'they' turned their shoeboxes into awesome containers. Hmm, I never found anything resembling a shoebox, but then I was never any good at finding "Waldo".

Tales from a Blogger Neglecter

2008-03-15T22:32:00.000-04:00

Jeez, I just spent hours :o) writing what I have been doing over the Winter months while I've been a 'Blogger Neglecter', just to have it disappear in a wink of an eye. Hell, it was a lot faster than that even.

So where was I? What did I even say (OK, write)? Oh yes, I waxed poetic over trying to learn the art of digital collage. What did I learn? How to increase one's swearing vocabulary in 5 seconds or less. I think I'm on Session 27-swear words that start with the letter 'V'.

I told all about the two swaps I was invited to by the enormously talented, Lelainia Lloyd of The Tattered Edge fame- The 12 days of Xmas and The Valentine Exchange. The artists in my group for the Xmas exhange read like the Who's Who in the mixed media Hall of Fame: Deb Trotter, Kristen Robinson, Pilar Pollock, Kathy Strittmater, Liz Smith, Debra Cooper, Fiona Mortimore, Arlene Travnik, Cece Grimes, Crystal Neubauer, Trudy McLauchlan & Lelainia. I'll post the blog links so you can all get a looky loo:

http://12daysofxmas.blogspot.com

http://bemyvalentine2007.blogspot.com

I promise to post more re: these two swaps, plus for the drool factor, I'll throw in a bunch of 8x12 glossies. I'm a bit skittish about all these words disappearing again, that I just have to hit publish post, like right now!

I think I'm Back, Part 2

2008-03-08T15:21:00.000-05:00

Jeez, those New Year's resolutions don't stick around very long, do they? I promised myself to be a faithful blogger, but umm.... I had better things to do. Plus, I don't live a very exciting life. A BIG DAY for me is actually cooking a meal. Hmmm, maybe you would be interested in the menu???

I'm Back, I Think

2008-01-20T21:14:00.000-05:00

First my internet was out for over a week and then I couldn't
find my blog. After searching all of blogland to no avail, I
began thinking that I really didn't have a blog, I just dreamed
I had one. So either I'm typing in my sleep......

Bad, Bad Blogger!

2007-12-16T15:51:00.004-05:00

photo Arthur Trees

Nothin writen 'ere

Soccer Mama!!!

2007-09-04T21:06:00.001-04:00

Us soccer mama's just love to brag! Evan's 1st game of the season at Oberlin, he scored the very 1st goal, the winning goal and the 1st goal on their brand, new soccer field. A trifecta!!!

Echoes

2007-09-01T22:11:00.000-04:00

Well, what can I say besides they are both gone. I know
they will be back, but everything will be different. Someday
my sad tears will become happy tears. I just hope I don't
have to wait too long.

My College Bound Guys!

2007-08-13T13:33:00.001-04:00

Boys vs Girls vs Goggle

2007-08-11T23:58:00.000-04:00

Shopping with boys isn't any
fun. I was really looking forward to
shopping for their college trousseau's. Having only sons, I never got to buy all
those GIRLIE things. The cute outfits, Mary Jane's, socks with
ruffles & hats w/big bows. Vintage frocks, makeup, jewelry, AND the biggie of all things Girlie...PROM DRESSES!!! I
hate to admit it, but boys clothes are boring. Instead of the first bra, I got to do the jock strap thingie. 'Bert's Beer, Bait & Stuff' is nothing like Victoria's Secret. Stepping over blobs of chewing
tobacco, I looked for some sales assistance. At Bert's, help came
as a head jerk in the general direction of what you wanted. After
I figured out everything was in alphabetical order, I found the jock straps next to the jerky aisle. When I asked if they came
in any color besides white, I got a,''Ya lady, they turn gray after
a week or two". My jock strap duty didn't end there...my son's
asked how to put the darn things on. Do ya think the jock's
came with directions or a diagram? Jeez, I couldn't even tell
if there was a front & back. My DH was hiding somewhere,
so I told them to 'Google' it. After hearing shrieks of 'oh gross
& what's that', I found there are certain things that shouldn't
be 'Goggled'. Plus, there wasn't anyone in the 'Googled search'
who had the decency to even wear a jock strap! Anyway,
the college buying spree was a bust. Neither one would
model bath towels, both said 'boring' a zillion times and
told me to pick out WHATEVER. It was hard but I finally found
daisy, dust ruffles in twin XL. And I must say, the matching
comforters are to die for.

The Bra With The Two Bulls Eyes

2007-08-09T19:36:00.001-04:00

I hate white bras. Being pleasantly plump, bras in my size
look like two flour sacks connected by a 10" band of elastic.
Unfortunately, the flour sacks would fit my back waay better
than the front. It's almost like I'd need a tattoo reading, 'this
side up'. The flesh colored bras are just too creepy since I'm
pretty sure that is the only color embalming fluid comes in.
So anytime I have to wear anything light, the flour sacks have
to go on. Since my paint 'accident', I no longer have that problem. The bra I was wearing at the time was a real cool
brown and the paint color, a creamy vanilla. So I now have a multi use bra I can wear w/ any color I please. If anyone has
ever had that bra vs the light shirt dilemma, just a quick dip in the ole paint tray & ya good to go!

Empty Chairs

2007-08-04T23:04:00.000-04:00

Today my son's turned 18. In less than two weeks they will be
leaving for college. The house will echo when they are gone,
their chairs at the table will be empty. A hole will rip into my heart the size of a crater.
For me it is the end, for them it will be a new beginning.

The How?

2007-07-28T01:03:00.001-04:00

I can't follow written directions. "Blogging for Dummies"
is too advanced for me. And what's up w/ this HTML business? How do you interpret, 'No photo available'? Does that mean I can't have one or is it because I didn't upload one? Plus, there
is this whole writing bizness. I once had a teacher who told me I wrote like English was my second language. I was pretty
proud of myself! Hey, 'I'm bilingual'!!! It's gonna be a bumpy ride so bare w/ me. Just think of it as one continuous dress rehearsal.

How To Title A Blog

2007-07-26T15:32:00.000-04:00

Setting up a blog is hard enough when you're clueless. But
the hardest part is being Forced to come up with the required
title. My 1st instinct was to call it, 'It's All About Me and
Occasionally About You' (so not to appear so self centered). I
figured that title was already taken, so I had to come up with something that was a part of 'It's All About Me'. So I started to
play that word association game. You know the one....someone says 'ice cream', you say 'calories'. Then you proceed from there
.....'young/menopause', 'firm/saggy boobs', 'face/moustache', 'wings/underarms' and so on. My DH, who was throwing words
to me (while reading the newspaper) eventually said 'red' and I said 'shoes'. I was born with red shoes & didn't take them off until fishnet stockings came into vogue. The stockings were a one day event. Nothing on the package indicated that when
you sat, those fishnets made your fat pop out of the holes.

The Reason

2007-07-26T13:12:00.000-04:00

I finally figured out why I have been avoiding this whole
web/blog thingie. I was sight blogging & noticed everyone had the most darling children, was young(er), had the most
beautiful gardens, could knit, sew, bake, paint, use tools that had motors, AND capture a photo of a butterfly sitting on a dewy petal or their kitten's nose. Oh ya, they also just received a surprise package brimming w/ goodies from a friend, similar to the other surprise packages from previous weeks. This was artistically displayed next to a homemade pie fresh from the oven. Nowhere did I read anything like a usual day in my life. Yesterday for instance, I was painting a simple, bathroom door. Took me almost a gallon of paint and two hours to get that
puppy done. I got paint on my shirt, so I decided to strip down to my underwear. That didn't work either. I totally ruined a
good pair of undies when I stepped in the paint tray (twice) &
slipped while hopping around looking for a place to put my
paint laden foot down. Plus, my bra now has 2 white bullseyes.
I finally ended up painting in the nude & realized the term 'painted ladies' has nothing to do w/ houses. For dinner, I
couldn't find any veggies or herbs freshly picked from the garden and the vase on the table was empty. And forget about
homemade pies, cookies or cakes. We had our usual fare for dinner....we scrounged. For the kitty, the closes thing I could come up w/ was another dead field mouse. And that's the truth!

The Why

2007-07-25T23:50:00.001-04:00

I really don't have the bloggiest idea why me, of all people,
would start a blog....except one. In 22 days, my 17 yr old, twin
boys will be leaving for (separate) college. My home will now
contain me, my husband and the dog. I looked at my DH &
realized it would be just the two of us. When I mentioned this
to him, I said, "Ewww'. He is still trying to figure out what the
'ewww' was about. A while back, I was reading a card at work
that said, 'Life begins when the kids leave home and the dog
dies'. I, of course, did the whole crying, drippy snot thing
while my co-workers did the laugh followed by the hiccups
thing. Hopefully this blogging journey will help fill a bit of
my empty nest.